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Membership Qualifications

MKM_logoUJBMCMighty Kong Muffins enjoys a “professional” relationship with a loosely formed organization that is devoted to eating and evaluating jungle bran muffins. This organization is aptly named the “UNIVERSAL JUNGLE BRAN MUFFIN COUNCIL” (UJBMC).

It is comprised of jungle bran muffin experts from all over the globe.

Each member possesses unique knowledge and abilities to judge the wonderfulness of jungle bran muffins and speak their individual or collective minds to the world. Look for the “official” UJBMC  seal on all Mighty Kong Muffin products. Council membership is lifetime and can be passed down to descendents of original members. Of course the descendents must provide documentation that indicates they have consumed and evaluated at least 200 jungle bran muffins EACH CALENDAR YEAR for at least 10 consecutive years.

Current council members include:

Count Monty Crisco

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Count himself

Tennis player/bicyclist extraordinaire and eggnog chef. Known in Sacramento for his annual Christmas “high altitude” adventures putting up Christmas lights after Christmas. Has plans for a new book about his west coast bicycle trip called ” not too wild”.

  • Pet peeve — strangers asking him if he was named after a famous sandwich.
  • Years on the council — 8
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Ginger Binger

JIMMIE “SHORT POLE” FLYNN

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Short Pole

Legendary Mammoth Mountain ski instructor of the 1960–1980’s. Credited by his close friends as the creator of the “short pole” teaching method for attractive,   beginning, young female skiers. A strapping 6 foot 3 inch blond god sporting six pac abs during his prime  as a skier and lifeguard, he currently wears only baggy clothes and may be 5 foot 10 inches on a good day. Recently applied to a geriatric ski clothing manufacturer in China for a modeling position.

  • Pet peeve — strangers asking him to autograph their Rogaine containers.
  • Years on council — 23
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Naner Naner Bananer

KIM CHEE

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Kim

Retired sushi chef from Maui. Has one of America’s largest expensive earring collections that forced her husband to hold down three jobs to handle the cost of this hobby. Beach people in Maui credit Kim for putting catsup on spam sushi and thereby creating a tsunami of demand for catsup at all island groceries.

  • Pet peeve — people asking her to autograph their Spam containers.
  • Years on the council — 32
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin  — Eye Opener (ginger)

LEP RA KAHN

Ol Lep

Result of Kubla Kahn dallying around in Ireland on a weekend pillaging  vacation long , long ago. The red beard was a favorite look of Kubla’s and his mongol buds. Lep is very short in stature, but big on head size and facial hair.

  • Pet peeve — tall leprechauns
  • Years on the council — 23
  • Favorite Jungle bran muffin — Chimp Chips (“Guinness and chocolate are like love and marriage”)

THE EARL OF SAXBY

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The Earl

Given the title of “Earl” by the Queen for cleaning out a large squirrel den in Rodent Abbey, UK in the early 2000’s. The Earl, an American by birth, attributes his squirrel hunting prowess to family genetics. He claims to be descended from another late, great squirrel hunter, American legend, Davey Crockett.The Earl has never “grinned a bar” like Mr Crockett, but he has bagged 20 plus squirrels from the back window of his Elk Grove ,CA chateau on numerous occasions. DNA tests are planned by the family to determine if the Earl truly has “Crockett blood” running through his veins and not just gin and tequila.

  • Pet peeve — the International Squirrel Preservation League
  • Years on the Council — 14
  • Favorite jungle bran muffin — Wapple Apple
  • “apple muffins partner well with brandy and cigars.And  besides, I like to wap things!”

BUBBA McHUDSON III

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BUBBA

Great grandson of Grizzly McHudson and son of Bubba McHudson II of Tobacco Spit , South Carolina. Originator of the southern culinary favorite ” Possum Paw Pudding”, an epicurean delight. Next to hunting possum, Bubba enjoys writing novels and screenplays about the old American West and espionage. Has had a colorful career in show biz, amateur golf and bar hopping in northern California for the past 50 years.

  • Pet peeve — competing authors, screenwriters, possum hunters and aspiring starlets asking him if he uses” Just for Men”.
  • Years on the Council — 29
  • Favorite jungle bran muffin — Plain Jane
  • “OL Plain Jane goes best with Possum paw!”

ARCHBISHOP OF CRANBERRY

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MONSIGNOR

Current Monsignor Emeritus of the Sacramento Area Church of What’s Happening Now! Founder of the infamous annual January pagan “Guy Day” celebration in his backyard in Curtis Park ,CA.

  • Pet Peeve — people claiming he can no longer do the limbo like he did in the 1980’s when his waistline was 34.
  • Years on the Council — 20
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Rumplepumpskin
  • “Halloween is almost as festive as Guy Day! Pumpkin muffins partner well with craft beer and tequila”!

JOHNNIE CHOBANI

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JOHNNIE

Upstate New Yorker of Welsh and Italian descent who emigrated to the east side of Oakland ,CA back in the 60’s. He had east coast connections with some resident toughies and gang exposure in Oakland. Worked for the local professional football team as a ball inflator, Gatorade dispenser and cheerleader foot masseuse for 8 years before deciding to concentrate on a promising high level government career. Track star and pool shark as a youth , endurance athlete in middle years and promising super-senior golfer at present. Prefers XX’s and is quite interesting!!!

  • Pet peeve — golfers who take too many practice swings. “I just want to WACK them!”
  • Years on the Council — 17
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Roseberry’s Baby
  • “rosemary is good for you. It goes good with olive oil and I like the old movie too”!

DUDE BAGBY

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DUDE

Heyyyy Mannn… Whas’ Up Man…

A surfer dude since birth. The stork arrived on a surfboard at Harbor General Hospital in the 1950’s. Moondoggie and Gidget were in attendance as well as Frankie Avalon and Annette .He started listening to the Beach Boys at age 3. Started playing guitar and singing at age 5. Won the Duchess Kahanamoku  junior division surfing championship at age 13. Retired at 21 to marry high school sweetheart and raise a family. Recently overheard  talking about doing Mavericks as a retirement sendoff to a distinguished surfing career. Friends are also sure he was really talking about watching “Maverick”, the old television show.

  • Pet Peeve — young punk surfers trying to steal HIS waves
  • Years on the council — 20
  • Favorite Jungle bran muffin — Peenowholeatta
  • ” reminds me of big wave surfing in Mexico”

 LARS JANNOK

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GATO

Yah…

After taking 4th place in the first and last “Lapland has Talent” television show in 1950’s, Lars emigrated to Mexico where he became a multi sport superstar. As a middleweight boxer, he became known as “EL GATO” due to his cat-like hand speed and recorded a superlative record of 24-0 with 19 KO’s. In addition, he took up ultra distance running, cycling and mountain climbing in order to add Boston, Paris and Shasta to his illustrious resume. Although raised on reindeer milk in his native Lapland, Lars quickly developed a strong liking to beer while refereeing a topless, female  cerveza drink off competitions and mud wrestling in Juarez. Gato currently works for a craft brew company in Sacramento, CA as an official greeter/taster.

  • Pet Peeve — warm beer and 14oz “pint” glasses.
  • Years on the Council — 17
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Persnickety
  • “hard to find a good persimmon back home”!

ROBERTO VERDE

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Duckman

Retired school superintendent who gave up educating children to concentrate on his true passion, hunting ducks. Interned at the USDA/NRA duck hunting college in Mallard Pellet, Louisiana.Earned the rank of Duck Sniper III in first three years of internship. Served apprenticeship in Alaska and Mexico under the tutelage of  Dak Guano, international duck hunting champion. After 3 years, Roberto earned the prestigious title of American Duckman and returned to California to pursue his passion with a new arsenal of duck knowledge and weaponry. Currently auditioning for a leading man role in the upcoming movie “Duckman Down”, where a flock of rogue Mallards go postal on a group of Duckmen.

  • Pet Peeve –” waders that make me look fat!”
  • Years on the Council — 13
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Plain Jane
  • “goes great with duck breast and Gamay”!

DR. ADONIS ECONOMIDES

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ADONIS

Received his PhD in Economics from NYU in 1965. Subsequently enrolled at Juilliard School for the Performing Arts where he studied acting. Appeared in many low budget, underground Kung Fu films during the 70-80’s before moving to California where he worked in the family owned carpet business until he retired in 2010.

  • Pet Peeve — strangers asking him if his name is “Bernardo” since he looks a little like George Chakiris of Westside Story fame.
  • Years on the Council — 6
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffins — Ape Dates
  • “dates go good with Ouzo”!

QUENTEN JONAS

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HIS LORDSHIP

Transplanted Estonian barber and mechanical engineer who became obsessed with long distance endurance races and developing a real estate empire in the 1970’s. Has lots of “street cred” as an endurance athlete and has participated in many master`s track meets. He is one of few steeplechase competitors to ever perform a belly flop into the water pit and nearly drown. Quenten is best known as “His Slum Lordness” by the tenants in his mega empire of rundown apartments in downtown Sacramento,CA.

  • Pet Peeve — people calling him “The Weenie”!
  • Years on the Council — 30
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Eye Opener
  • “all the antioxidants help me run faster from my angry tenants”!

LOUIE LOUIE JUMPING LOUIE

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LOUIE LOUIE

Vietnam era paratrooper in the 1960’s and stunt skydiver/aerial daredevil in the 1970’s. Loved jumping so much he wore his jump boots to bed until family members sent him to rehab in Napa to help him break this habit. Besides skydiving, Louie is also an accomplished singer, actor and real estate appraiser. He currently works part time selling Dr Scholl’s inserts at a local Walgreen’s.

  • Pet Peeve — people asking him if he is called “Sparky” instead of Louie.
  • Years on the Council — 28
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Nutty Dr Zuke
  • “a zucchini a day keeps the jump boots away!”

SMOOZER THE GREAT

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Dr Smooze

Minnesota native, Dr.Elwood P. Suggins has been a “closet entrepreneur” all his life.

In his boyhood days in Minnesota, he sold plastic ” ice fish” to unsuspecting tourists curious about the popular winter Great Lakes sport. In his teen years, he peddled underground Lawrence Welk rap albums to college fraternities and sororities. At the University of Minnesota, after being laid off from his pizza delivery job, he began to sell “Golden Gopher” look-a-like medallions purportedly made of real gold plate. When student’s proudly  wearing the medallions around their necks or wrists started seeing green stain on their skin, the school administration came down hard on Mr Suggins. He was immediately put on quadruple secret probation and banished from all formal university activities for four years.

After Reinstatement… He Moved to the State (Oh No)

After his reinstatement to the university, Mr Suggins applied himself diligently to his studies and 8 years later became Dr Elwood P. Suggins, PhD. Upon becoming Dr Suggins, he relocated to Sacramento, CA and spent the subsequent 25 years laboring in the state government bureaucracy(” the place good ideas and inventions go to die”!) . Being chock full of ideas and energy ,Dr Suggins was a constant irritant to the mental midget army of supervisory and management bureaucrats running the show where the Dr worked.

Retirement

For years the Dr. thwarted attempts at his firing and rejection of his many, many meritorious suggestions for work improvement only to have to take a medical retirement at age 57 due to complications of a facial paper cut that would not stop bleeding. Upon retirement from the oppressive environment in which he had been laboring for half his life, the good Dr could finally allow all his creative juices to come together and help him create the “Shmoooz’R an ingenious, yet simple , device to enhance quality of communication and use of precious time at conferences large and small in public and private organizational settings. Dr Suggins, affectionately known as the “Great Smoozer” currently resides at his luxury abode in Carmichael,CA where he regularly enjoys expensive craft beers and jungle bran muffins that pair well with particular beers.

  • Pet Peeve — friends believing that beer and jungle bran muffins are responsible for his success and not his likeness to Senator Al Franken of Minnesota.
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Kong Goes Wrong
  • Years on the Council — 6
  • ” I invented the “Gone Wrong” muffin!”

 LORD BRENLEY APPLEWHITE III

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His Lordship

English gentleman from York. Last of a long line of dog trainers who specialize in training “soldier poodles”. The ” toy” version of these dogs have been used by the U.K. military and law enforcement agencies for over 200 years as undercover mini-soldiers on the home front and in the colonies. These dogs were easily able to infiltrate enemy official social events traveling in purses, packs and overcoats. These dogs look real friendly and sweet but are actually “merchants of extreme pain” if dispatched by their agent/masters in the quest of stopping evil. Enemy ankles are the favorite target of these tiny soldiers.

  • Pet Peeve — critics who disrespect these little patriot poodles by referring to them as “yippy yappy”dogs!
  • Years on the Council — 11
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Persnickety
  • ” persimmon bran muffins are a great addition to our afternoon tea!”

 FRANKIE HO

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I have tiny bubbles!

Owner of ” Tiny Bubbles ” car wash in Kihei, Maui. Moonlights as golf and ski instructor on the big island. Loves to wear Hawaiian shirts and pucca shell neckware while skiing and golfing. Somehow convinced himself that consuming wine is “not drinking”. Known to hang around with a literary scoundrel by the name of Bubba McGoo.

  • Pet Peeve — being called ” the How-why-an” by his hillbilly friend, McGoo who cannot pronounce many American English words correctly.
  • Years on the Council — 16
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Peenowholelatta
  • “red wine, coconuts and pineapple, a Hawaiian dream!”
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FOXY

BATHSHEBA ” FOXY” JONES

East Coast beauty who attended Vassar in NY and studied liberal arts with emphasis on literature and the performing arts. Accidentally met champion and handsome hammer thrower from upstate NY at the Millrose Games in Madison Square Garden in early 1970’s and the start of the eternal love story began. Foxy and hubbby ,Tom, relocated to Berkeley ,CA in the 1980’s where Foxy auditioned at the Paramount in Oakland as a standup comedian and brought the house down in her first performance. Even though she loved performing she decided to forgo the bright lights and  stick with her other work of constant drama and comedy at the State Department of Public Health in Berkeley. During this period she was introduced to many new quasi- English words by a colleague who grew up in the US Navy and central California oil fields. Additionally, Foxy learned many new words of anger from her boss, Halle-Ray Berryhill who was a manager, wannabe NASCAR driver and “anger management specialist” for the State of California.

  • Pet Peeve — people assuming  she knew and was friends with the  Berkeley “roachmobile” owner in the 1990’s
  • Years on the Council — 22 years
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Eye Opener
  • “that ginger just knocks my socks off in the morning!”

YURI PLUCHENKO

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Yuri

Veteran cage fighter from Uzbekistan who only drank spring water from the Greater Chimgan Mountain springs in the Chatkal Mountain range and ate bark from Siberian Elm trees when training for big fights. This diet helped him win many fights but forced him ultimately to undergo a stomach transplant at the “Stomach Transplant Center ” in Kiev by age 30. Hitched a ride to the US on a Chinese freighter in 1997 and started new life in California helping people avoid crazy diets.

  • Pet peeve — people who don’t keep their homes maintained properly. Especially those who let their garage doors deteriorate to the point of ugliness.
  • Years on the Council — 4
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Mmmmonkeyroon
  • “tastes like a candy bar I used to eat in the old country!”

WALLY WONDERFUL

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The “Beaver’s Bro”

Sacramento area building contractor with a penchant for throwing the largest parties ever witnessed in Wilton, CA. Also known as one of the greatest parents to his friends as his parties are usually for children or charities involving children. During his youth he was known for his daredevil antics when snow skiing and racing his Plymouth Duster    (Samantha ). Loves basketball and golf but unfortunately he is of the left handed persuasion which has hindered his quest for accuracy. Frequently stopped by strangers thinking they saw him on television during their childhoods in the ” Leave it to Beaver” show. Favors the Beaver’s older brother Wally Cleaver so much that Mighty Kong allowed him to create his favorite jungle bran muffin with walnuts and golden seedless raisins. This muffin is aptly named after him—Beaver’s Bro!

  • Pet Peeve — pseudo Duster Car clubs
  • Years on the Council — 30
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Beaver’s Bro
  • ” I invented that muffin!”

 MINI-ME-KONG

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Mini

Raised on jungle bran muffins and chocolate milk, this young Kung Fu student has learned to “snatch the pebble out the hand” of his Shaolin master at age 5. Spends too much time watching old Austin Power’s movies and drinking chocolate milk spiked with energy drinks. Likes to say ” one meeelyun dollars” the way Dr. Evil says it.  Has a dog named Snake and a cat named Dog. Likes to tease his parents. Future Shaolin master? Secret agent? Veterinarian?

  • Pet Peeve — being called “Taco Tommie”
  • Years on the Council –3
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Chimp Chips
  • ” chocolate is my favorite vegetable!”

 Patti O’Smyth

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Patti

Retired school teacher who grew up in Dublin, Ireland and then migrated to the US to continue with her quest to be the finest schoolmarm in the history of Davis, California. Loves to garden and take care of her beautiful grandchildren. Hooked up with a daredevil parachutist named Louie in the 1960’s and developed a strong affinity for the theater and fine arts as a result. An avid reader, recently read ” Rocks, Rocks Everywhere” by the infamous Irish author, Boulder McStone who detailed his journeys in the Connemara on the west coast of his beloved Ireland with sturdy shoes and a couple of pints.

  • Pet Peeve — “pseudo-environmentalists who heat their houses and grill food with bog peat”!
  • Years on the Council — 28
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Persnickety
  • ” I am fastidious when it comes to jungle bran muffins”!

Devi Patel

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Devi

Born in Kaylan, educated in Mumbai. Studied dance at Mamangam School of Dance in Kochi as a child and later studied vigorously at the Indian School of Performing Arts in Mumbai. Gave Bollywood a whirl in her late teens and had a significant part in the stage production of the “Fifth Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”at the Prithvi Theatre in Mumbai before changing career directions. Made a decision to enter the medical field and moved to America to further this ambition. After nursing school she moved to the capital of California and has enjoyed a wonderful career in internal medicine.

  • Pet Peeve — “unworldly gringos who assume she is a Bollywood star on sabbatical from India”
  • Years on the Council — 1
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Ginger Binger

” the Binger partners great with my morning chai!”

 INGER “ZSA ZSA ” NILSSON

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Zsa Zsa

University educated naturalist and world traveler with roots in Sweden. Born to Sofia and Ingemar Gustafsson (famous Swedish archeologists), Inger was educated initially in Stockholm public schools and the University where she majored in archeology and minored in beer tasting. She met and married Swen Nilsson while attending the university. Swen was a noted brain surgeon and world champion “pick-up-sticks” player. An avid reader all her life, Inger, became enamored with Osa Johnson, famous American adventurer after reading Osa’s 1940 best seller “I married adventure”. Johnson’s adventures in Africa, the South Pacific and British North Borneo with her husband created an obsession for Inger to travel. So travel she did—Europe, Africa,Egypt, South America, the Mediterranean, etc, etc. She dumped old Swen in 1998 after he had botched what was to be ” a second honeymoon trip” to New Zealand and Australia. Swen used his frequent flyer miles to book their travel and they ended up in Guam by mistake. Because of her swashbuckling approach to life, desire for adventure and her charming personality, Inger has continued to travel as often as possible. Only her tours on the travel lecture circuit, where she inspires others to travel interfere with her desire to constantly travel the world. She has been heavily recruited by travel gurus like Washington’s Rick but has chosen to do it alone–her way, like Osa Johnson, her role model.

  • Pet Peeve — “strangers asking her if she is still making movies in Sweden and wanting her to pose in their selfies”
  • Years on the Council — 11
  • Favorite Jungle Bran Muffin — Kabluey
  • “love listening to Fat’s Domino sing Blueberry Hill while I have a Kabluey and espresso in the morning!”

WILLIAM GARGOYLE

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William

Actor,writer, amateur chef and reserve sheriff deputy with fondness for international travel and golf. Born and raised on the mean streets of Peoria, Illinois to working class parents from Croatia, Bill developed an unexplained but real craving for canned pasta foods. Because he liked to cook pasta for family consumption, he was encouraged to enter the the 1953 National Pasta Cookoff in nearby Geary, Indiana. To no one’s surprise, Bill too first place in the “tastes like canned pasta” category and was awarded a lifetime supply of Chef-Bo-Yar-Dee Beefaroni.

Besides his obsession with canned pasta foods, Bill took bit parts in local Peoria theater productions such as “Reefer Goodness” and “Tractors I have known”. Finally in his early thirties, Bill decided to be come a writer and write he did using the alias Robert Gargan, Private Eye. After several years each with the National Police Gazette, True Crime, True Detective and Master Detectives magazines , Bill did a 180 and started sending articles to bon appetit promoting his prize winning pasta recipes from the 50’s.Upon retiring from serious writing, Bill and his wife, Tarita, moved to a gated community in Florida where Bill was able to fine tune his golf game and start a new “career” as a reserve deputy sheriff intern with duties that include patrolling alligator and catfish farms looking for poachers. His golf game improved to the point that he won the Quail Hollow Geezer’s Open in 2009 shooting his age. He earned the nickname ‘ol 86’ at that time. Between participating in Quail Hollows 4 majors and ghost writing for Bon Appetit, Bill and Tarita travel extensively in Europe and Asia.

  • Pet Peeve — strangers telling him he looks like Peter Sellers !
  • Years on the Council — 10
  • Favorite jungle bran muffin — Eye Opener
  • “ginger, cranberry and walnut are wonderful partners to a hearty glass of Port!”

 Kosha “Cayenne” DIANE

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Cayenne

Retired model for action war comics and video games in  Israel during the the 1970’s and 1980’s. Lost sight in his left eye while filming “SCREECH of JUDY , Pink Ops” on location in various casbah bars in Tunisia and Morocco. Rumor has it that Kosha was “behind the camera” when he was suddenly struck in the left eye by a bag of cayenne pepper that was being used as a “hacky sack” by soccer obsessed staff.  From that day forward Kosha was referred to as “one eye Cayenne”. He continues to be a character actor for underground Israeli war game videos made in China. He and his dear friend, Orson Osteenberg, are currently working on a script for a comedy film set in the jungles of Burma called “Tropic Blunder”.

  • Pet Peeve – people telling he needs to use “Just for Men” like his buddy, Orson Osteenberg does.
  • Years on the Council – 30 years. An original member.
  • Favorite jungle bran muffin – Achi-WaWa, Eye Opener and Ginger Binger.
  • ” I love heat! The more jalapeno or ginger, the better, sissy boys!”